meep meep ma moo meep

I was just reading jeanne's blog.
and everything came crashing down..

the past few weeks and month i've been trying to delude myself, that life is all happy and fine
that training is fine, that we are going to work hard and do fine for comps
but it just was spelled out so clearly today
so brutally real and clear
theres 3 weeks left to comps. where are we now? can we even jie a tao confidently without failing?
can i?
such a loser. such a disgrace. to think i even competed last year, i am supposed to be better and aiming for indivs this year
but no i dont even have my tao. my dong zuos are even worse than what i had last year

and training is just morphing into such a big monstrous nightmare.
i dread going for training everyday.
i dread dealing with the fact that we suck, that we are such a disappointment to the seniors
i dread trying to change my tao and the juniors tao because it just never ever does change no matter how hard i've tried
and its to the point im already giving up trying
its so painfully frustrating!
ughhhhhhhh!!!!!!
i miss miss miss sji night trainings
we trained so much harder and yet had so much more fun and laughter
we trained hard together, we played hard together, we did stupid things together, we slept in class the next day together, we all failed one test or another together.
i miss wang.
i miss his scary prescence that pushed us to train harder. i miss his morbid ways of changing our dong zuos, like sticking the broom on the tramp. i miss his morbid punishments if we failed our tao, like making fongyi stand on the pommel.

im so sorry juniors. especially c div
that im such a lousy senior. that i am so not an inspiration that jeanne and jiayi and olly and yining were. that im not a supersenior to save the world when things go wrong.
that our batch is so lousy
we dont even have a happy team
how i wish i could turn back time.
when i could have put in more effort to make our team a team
when amanda and sianglin could have been as happy as they are now, and bond with the rest of us right from the start
when rina never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever got injured so i would still have my pillar of strength to carry on
when shihui never lost her hope to strive for comps
when sammie didnt ditch training for psl.
i feel so helpless.

Sorry juniors. you deserve so much better.
I know that you all are so stressed to keep up to our expectations.
and its unfair for us to expect it of you when you all werent given the conditions we had
We know that you all are trying.
jiayou jiayou. Be brave and play on the tramp more (after training). it helps.

And sorry seniors for being such a lousy junior.
sorry for all the disappointment
sorry for not meeting up to expectations
sorry for not sustaining the standard and reputation you all worked so hard for

okay its finally all out
i know i shouldnt whine and apologise here cos it doesnt help at all and saying sorry doesnt make things work again
but i just needed an outlet.

okay juniors lets all continue to work hard
so that even when we lose we can say that we've tried our best, and they were just plain better than us.
and lets just really have fun and enjoy what we do and enjoy each other's company
because ultimately the medals dont matter. its just metal.
its the precious experience and bonds forged thats so so priceless.